An emotional roller coster.

Ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to nurse my babies and as long as possible. But never in a million years did i think it would be so hard and hurt so bad!! Since Erilyn spent 11 days in the nicu all i did was pump 24-7 to make sure my milk was coming in. I was so excited when they told me i was going to be able to take her home cuz then i wouldn't have to pump any more..... Well it didn't work out that way and for another couple weeks i would pump and feed her my milk supplemented with formula during the day and nursed at night. It was both mentally and physically draining!!! I felt like all i did during the day was pump, feed, change diaper, clean up the pump, feed,change diaper, pump, clean up. I was so excited when i was told i could just nurse and wouldn't have to pump any more. When we took Erilyn in for a fallow up apt i felt extra cold and my boob hurt i toughed it out till we were driving home. I couldn't eat my hamburger, my body was starting to ache and i felt like throwing up. When we got home i decided to take bath to to see if it would make me feel better. When i took off my shirt off i noticed welts on boob and decided to take a bath to see if it would relieve some of the pain it just made it worse!!! I started to ball my eyes out and got out , told Travis to call my doc asap and showed him the welts. He called the doc and explained to him what was going on i was crying to hard to even talk, he told him is an infected milk duct or more commonly known as mastitis. I spent the rest of the day in bed pumping( i was in so much pain that i physically couldn't turn on my pump my self) and nursing as much as possible and the next 10 on anti- biotics. I almost quit nursing then it was the worst thing i had ever experienced and i didn't want to go through it again! Over the next few months i got  few clogged ducts that were super painful but never as bad as the first time and was able to get them to go away before they turned into mastitis. Well last week it got really bad i had mastitis again this time it was way worse my fever got to 104!!! My fever got so high i actually ended up with blisters in my mouth! My whole body ached so bad i would just lay there and cry my eyes out till my medicine kicked in enough i could function alittle bit. . Everytime it was time fore Erilyn to eat i would just cry! She now has 4 teeth 2 on top and 2 on bottom and she liked to bite me hard!! So not only did it hurt from the mastitis but it hurt cuz she would bite me. Once it started to feel better i decided i couldn't do it any more not only was she biting me but i kept getting clogged milk ducts and i just wasn't producing much any more. So i decided that while i was on anti-biotics i woulds ween her off. Today marks one week of not being able to nurse my baby. :-( and I'm not going to lie i miss it SO MUCH! and i think she does to! It breaks my heart when i hold her close to me and she turns head mouth wide open and tries to nurse. But she is taking to the formula alot better then i ever thought she would. And I'm starting to get baby hugry!!! No this is not an announcement of any sort it will still be awhile but I'm just really missing that nursing bond.;-( and hope that next time it will go alot btter.